Learn it, Practice it, Fail at it, Keep getting better at it.
It’s a hot topic, vulnerability. As I embark on this new blog, I felt it right to start with this lesson learned. You can’t write a blog, regardless of the goal or point of interest, without taking a risk and getting vulnerable.
Vulnerability stems from our juicy innards – the core of who we are. Our emotions, our feelings being expressed in their truest form.
Vulnerability defined “is a state of emotional exposure that comes with a certain degree of uncertainty. It involves a person’s willingness to accept the emotional risk that comes from being open and willing to love and be loved”.
Very Well Mind.
And from Brené Brown:
“Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences.” –
Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
I thought long and hard about my own ability to be vulnerable before starting this journey. Could I expose myself, openly and honestly, with the fear that I may receive some serious criticism (well intentioned or not)?
Am I passionate enough about this project to open myself up and maintain one of my core values, growth through vulnerability?
Yes and yes – I definitely don’t want to present sugar coated stories with sugar coated outcomes.
Emotional Exposure.
Emotional Exposure. The scariest, yet probably most important thing someone can do for connection.
I used to be a very sensitive person.
And to that person, the thought of people reading your words is as scary as someone suggesting ‘lets go streaking’ (cue image of a naked Will Farrell in Old School).
Actually scratch that. I still am a sensitive person. I don’t think I could go streaking now through any quad. 😉
Through practice, I learned that if I could step back from a situation in order to first identify my emotions, then I could step back in with better understanding and express myself with more clarity – with more vulnerability.
*Slight honest reminder here that this process doesn’t always play out that way. But what is life without a little bit of learn, burn and return!
I think back to how I dealt with my emotions when I was a kid.
I cried.
I cried when I was mad, I cried when I was frustrated, and I cried when I was sad. I felt that it was impossible to express myself so this was the way it ended up coming out.
My parents also didn’t communicate their emotions very well.
The spectrum was full force. It was either insane outrage, or tepid disappointment. Then a soft roll back to “everything’s fine”.
And in most cases, the real issue was often not resolved. We would forgo the “let’s sit down and discuss what we were really trying to say” part. So, the moving on part often wasn’t a success.
The issue just stayed nicely swept under the carpet and we could get on with our day.
My best guess is that this led to me lacking in the verbal expression department and having trouble identifying, expressing and then dealing with issues.
I stayed sensitive.
Writing It Out – A Different Sort of Exposure.
I started journaling over 25 years ago. Writing in my journal was my emotional expression which 100% helped me work through things within.
But then I started taking the outlet outward. And I started writing letters to my parents.
Identifying how I felt, and what problems I was facing.
I would slide them under my parents door, so they could read them when I wasn’t around in hopes that it would help them realize it was ok to just talk our feelings out.
I would read it back to myself, as a way not only to understand but to identify and solve the problem, even if it ended up just helping me.
At first it felt like a cop out – why couldn’t I verbalize what I was thinking and Get-It-Out?
If you’re being faced with someone who’s communication style is yelling absurdities and slamming doors, it’s scary shit. Your brain will easily break down and not process what it needs.
It took me doing this a few times to realize it was how my brain worked. That this was how I was able to best communicate.
I realized I need time to reflect.
My brain’s a slow processer, and I’m down for it.
How Did Vulnerability Even Become Such a Hot Topic?
I was introduced to the concept of Vulnerability through Brené Brown’s TedTalk.
I was on our yearly ‘Girls Backcountry Hiking Trip”, which is something I look forward to each year.
As we were in the car on the way down to the mountains, my sister Kathryn said we all needed to watch this TedTalk.
To this day, I still watch it. And you should too.
Brené Brown describes vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” It’s that unstable feeling we get when we step out of our comfort zone or do something that forces us to loosen the reigns, Barbara.
So why are we all thinking that emotional exposure is a sign of weakness?
“What most of us fail to understand…is that vulnerability is also the cradle of the emotions and experiences that we crave,” says Dr. Brown. “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy courage, empathy, and creativity.”
So while starting something new, such as acting on a new passion, might open you up and expose you in ways you may feel uncomfortable, you’re also opening yourself up to the opportunity to connect, and learn new things from others.
Sounds pretty risky to me. But also, full of excitement, joy, courage and connection.
How Do We Practice Vulnerability?
Understanding our values is a great start. I want to be as honest as I can about who I am and what I need to fill this bucket of mine.
For me, one of my core values is growth through connections. Some of the best human connections in my life have come to me through times of vulnerability.
Understand the idea of vulnerability for yourself and what it means to you. Brené Brown’s book Daring Greatly is a great start – link to audiobook.
PS – I’m all for Audible. I listen to books while I drive instead of get frustrated re-reading pages after dozing off. Win win 😉
Tips to Practice Vulnerability.
- Define vulnerability for yourself
- Get to know yourself – your values, your beliefs, what makes you feel good
- Take the time to put your thoughts in writing
- Get familiar with the feeling of vulnerability:
- Push yourself outside your comfort zone
- Share your truth
- Take responsibility for your actions
- Practice, practice, practice!
The Power of Connection.
I feel strongly that vulnerability will always lead to better connections.
What I feel is that the crux of emotional expression – the core – can make everything feel so much fuller. So much more in colour. So much more…Juicy.
When we value vulnerability we understand that it’s not about perfection. It’s about rolling up the sleeves and doing the work. Not leaving anything on the table. Even when it’s as hard as fuck.
We never got there, my parents and I, until much later in life. And it continues to be a struggle most of the time. A struggle I pursue, but sometimes let go (hint to another lesson learned).
So yes, definitely scratch that. I am still a sensitive person. I’m so down with feelings of uncertainty, and fear, because I’m also so down with connecting, learning and growing.
xo Juicy
Connecting Through Stories.
I’d love to hear a story of vulnerability from you; A time when you’ve practiced being vulnerable and what was gained, and/or, maybe, what was lost.
